Dodge & Burn

Images and Observations by Theresa Ann Holst

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theresaholst

2014/04/06

2–3 minutes

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365 days ago I saw my sister Viola for the last time. She had been sick for 6 years. She did every possible thing she could to beat cancer.

In her final weeks I struggled with when or even if I should go to Bennington. We had tried to make the very most of all of the time we had together these last few years but now I was scared. Would she know me? Would I be intruding? I was a coward.

How do you say goodbye to your best friend?

I was trying to decide what to do, I was sitting fiddling with my bank card at my work in Denver. Suddenly, in walks my Minister from church. It was reproductive rights day at the Capitol and he was there to lobby. He had just dropped by my little cube to say hello. I tell him about my dilemma. He says with the kindest eyes, that he knows I will make the right decision regardless of what I decide.

A short time later my niece, Anna called to say that the hospice nurse says if you’re going to come– now is the time. Without hesitation I told her I would be right there. A little over 24 hours later I was sitting on a plane heading toward Albany.

I wasn’t scared anymore I was going to be with my sister. When I arrived in Viola’s sweet colorful house in Chester Knoll my beautiful nieces and brother in law Jon were preparing, as usual, something delicious to eat. I headed up those creaky wooden stairs and right into Vi and Jon’s bedroom. Phoebe told Vi “mama, Theresa’s here”. Viola looked so small in that big bed but her eyes lit up and she said my name. She knew me. So I did what came naturally. I crawled right in and got under the covers with her.

The next two days we kept each other warm, sang songs, laughed, and just stayed next to one another. We didn’t talk a lot. Vi is the talkative one and I am the quiet one. But I knew she wanted me there. I told her how much I love her.

Jon, Anna, and Phoebe were able to get a small break from the routine that comes with helping someone so sick. With the help of the hospice nurse they were able to help my sister maintain her dignity and comfort at home in those final days. I will forever be grateful to them for this.

Every time I leave Bennington I leave Vi a note and hide it somewhere so she can find it later. I was heartbroken as the reality of this situation settled in.

There is a little chalkboard in the kitchen near the door that we always use to come in and out of the house. As I leave the house

and my sister for the very last time,

I stop and pick up a piece of chalk and write “love lives here”.

18 responses to “”

Libby Kunze

2014/04/06

That was beautiful, Theresa. I’m so sorry. I had no idea that you’re sister had passed. I’m glad you could be there for each other. I pray that when it’s my time, Suzi will be there with me like you were there for Vi. I love you.

Libby

Reply
Kari

2014/04/06

Beautiful, Theresa. I’m so glad you had that time with your sister. Thank you for sharing this…I know I really good at letting the fear take over. Your recollection is a wonderful way to show that we can miss out on so much if we let fear win. Thinking of you, my sweet friend.

Reply
1. theresaholst
  
  2014/04/06
  
  xoxo
  
  Reply
pmorlev

2014/04/06

I was never able to erase the chalkboard.

Reply
1. theresaholst
  
  2014/04/06
  
  I love you so much phoebe today and everyday! I cannot wait until we climb our next mountain together.
  
  Reply
  1. levhardware
    
    2014/04/06
    
    we still haven’t erased it. i love you.
Gail

2014/04/06

Wow, Theresa. My heart goes out to you!

Reply
1. theresaholst
  
  2014/04/06
  
  Thanks Gail.
  
  Reply
Ruth

2014/04/06

Theresa, very touching😥 Great tribute for your sister’s life, Vi is missed by myself as well. Hard to believe she is no longer with us, may she rest in peace. Ruth

Reply
1. theresaholst
  
  2014/04/06
  
  Thanks Ruth. xoxo
  
  Reply
infantsage

2014/04/06

Beautiful remembrance of your last visit. Vi was loved by many and loved many. Thank you Theresa.

Reply
1. theresaholst
  
  2014/04/06
  
  Thank You!
  
  Reply
Audra Caravas

2014/04/06

I’m so happy you got to spend her last days together. What a heart wrenching beautiful account of your love. Thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry for your loss.

Reply
1. theresaholst
  
  2014/04/06
  
  Thank you Audra! Xoxo
  
  Reply
Julie

2014/04/07

I think of you so fondly, “Aunt Theresa,” and how I came to know you — and, just by being with you, to know Viola even better — during our rides to and from the Albany airport. I dedicate some little part of every day to her and will linger on what you wrote here for some time. Thank you, dear you.

Reply
1. theresaholst
  
  2014/04/07
  
  Thinking about our airport rides makes me happy. Thank you for being a part of our family. Thank you for being there for us.
  
  Reply
colleen lubischer

2014/04/27

After I read your beautiful post, you asked me how I liked it. I was crying so hard because your feelings touched my heart in much the same way the last time I saw Vi, I think it is wonderful that you express your feelings with such love. The hardest thing I have had to do in my life was to tell my first born daughter goodbye Our family was blessed to have her for 54 years (not long enough) I am so thankful that Jon, Anna, Phoebe and the hospice people were there and took such good care of her and she was able to stay in her home (yes love does live there) So many happy memories in that red house. I loved your story and we all miss her but her spirit is with all of us and our faith tells us that we will see her again. Thank you. I love you.
Mom

Reply
1. theresaholst
  
  2014/04/27
  
  I love you Mom!
  
  Reply

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